Lord, you know me better than I know myself. I am growing older and will someday be very old. Keep me from getting talkative, and particularly from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject.

Release me from the craving to straighten out everybody else's affairs. Make me thoughtful, but not moody; helpful, but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all - but thou knowest Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.

Keep, my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my many aches and pains, they are increasing and my love of rehearsing them is becoming greater as the years go by. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a saint, some of them are hard to live with but a sour woman is one of the crowning works of the devil. Help me to extract all possible fun out of life. There are so many funny things around us, and I don't want to miss any of them.

You're Different

Her daughter tried to persuade her 80-year-old mother to move in with her. The older woman was adamant: "No! Absolutely not! I've always said I'd never live with any of my kids. I've seen too many problems arise from that kind of situation." Her daughter said, "Yes, Mom, but you're different. " I know I am," replied her mother, "But you're not."
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Knock on Wood

Linda and her sisters Yvonne and Jean were having a glass of lemonade at her house, and talking about their health problems."I think I must be getting old," said Yvonne. "I sometimes find myself at the foot of the stairs, and I can't remember if I was going up to get something, or coming back down." "I know what you mean," added Jean. "Sometimes I'll be standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember if I wanted to take something out, or if I had just put something in." Linda sat up. "I guess I'm better off than either of you. I haven't had any problems like that so far, knock on wood". Saying that, she rapped on the table three times. She looked at the other two women and stood up. "Excuse me," she said, "Someone's at the door."
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What's Your Name?

Three very elderly ladies, Linda, Yvonne and Jean were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Lousia. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship. One day, the younger of the three ladies Linda, turns to the other two and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
Yvonne stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

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Hearing Test

Wayne feared his wife Linda was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile suggested that Wayne try a simple informal test to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. 'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
Finally he hears this response: "Damn it Wayne - for the fifth time - chicken!"

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One Way

As a senior citizen Wayne was driving down the Interstate, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's Linda's voice urgently warning him, "Wayne, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 81. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Wayne, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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And so we grow older with each day, but you got to admit the things we do are just to funny to keep to ourselves.